We aren’t going to tell you to stop fighting about money. That’s simply not possible. What we can help you do, however, is learn how to fight fair, to fight in a way that actually helps strengthen your financial communication. In First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, we lay out a detailed plan for resolving financial conflict. Here are steps you can take now to start fighting fair:

Agree that you will respect each other. No matter how angry you get, try to act like partners in your family business. Do your best to understand each other and your different perspectives on money. And agree to show each other grace when you violate these expectations.

Try to diffuse the situation. Take a deep breath, hold your tongue, and walk away if you need to cool down.

When you’re calm again, talk through the problem. Work together to come up with three or four possible compromises that help both of you get your needs met.

Keep your money personalities in mind. You are two unique people with unique perspectives on money. Do your best to see your partner’s perspective and respect his or her point of view.

Extend grace. Be willing to start fresh every day, no matter what happened yesterday. Be people who try to see the best in each other, who believe in each other, who are willing to put petty differences aside for the good of your relationship. You love each other. Do your best to show it.

We certainly don’t expect you to fight fair every time you argue—we don’t. But when you blow it, apologize, forgive, and move on. Be patient with each other, keep trying, and promise to do better the next time. You might only get it right 30% of the time. But that’s 30% more than you were doing before. Fighting fair is truly an art form. You won’t do it perfectly at first—and maybe never. But you can get better at it, conflict by conflict, week by week, month by month.

Lots of couples communicate about credit cards. The problem is that their “communication” happens in the form of arguments, blame games, and lingering resentments. We talk about how to recover from damaging financial communication in First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, but if you’re stuck in a pattern of arguing about credit cards, we want to offer you some triage.

To get to the root of credit card problems, you and your partner need to talk about your credit cards before there are problems. If it’s too late for that, choose a time when you aren’t looking at the latest statement—and stewing over the latest budget-breaking purchase—to talk through your expectations, your concerns, and your plans for making changes next month.

Look at your past statements to see where you’re spending money. For many couples, credit card debt creeps in slowly. They don’t even see it coming. Knowing where your money is going–and talking about where you want it to go instead–is the best way to get a handle on your debt. Does your spending match your values? Your financial goals? Your dreams? If not, decide together how you will rethink your spending. Where can you cut back? Where can you save? You’ll both need to compromise here and there—that’s how relationships work.

Once you know what you want from your finances, make a plan to control your spending. If you can’t do that on your own, meet with a financial planner who can help you lay out a schedule for paying down your debt.

There’s no question the changes in our nation’s economy will add stress to our lives. Our advice? Face it. As a couple, acknowledge that there will be additional financial pressures in the coming months. You can get bogged down by the emotions, the tension, the depression these times can bring on but that won’t help you. You have to face reality then make a plan to deal with it.

Start with an honest evaluation of where you are right now. Look at your assets, your income, your debt, your investments. What might change? What will stay stable? In First Comes Love, Then Comes Money, we teach readers something we call The Money Huddle. The idea is to get all of your financial information on the table so you can have an honest conversation about where you’re at and where you’re going.

Once you know where you are right now, make plans to get you through the next six months. That’s right, six months. Working with a short timeframe makes necessary changes feel less overwhelming. And be prepared to make real changes. If you need to cut back on your spending or stop using credit cards for six months, do it. Taking action now will save you from bigger problems down the road.