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Don’t Let Holiday Stress Turn Into Couple Fights
Updated: December 05, 2020 |
Taylor Kovar, CFP

Shaky Holiday Finances Don’t Have to Strain Your Relationship

Does your significant other spoil the Christmas season for you? Saying this seems harsh, but it must be true for many. In fact, 16 million people googled “my husband ruins every holiday” and over 46 million Googled “my wife ruins every holiday”. Yikes! Don’t ruin Christmas for your spouse, please: make sure to consider their needs and holiday stress (as well as your own) around December.

The Christmas Season tends to invite more than just holiday joy. Arguments about money can pile up faster than presents under the tree. Most families spend more money during this season than at any other time of the year. It’s really hard to be of good cheer when your holiday finances are running you into the ground.

Without a doubt, the holidays can be very stressful even in the best marriages. There is just SO much to do in too few days. Add in all money you spend and problems in the other relationships outside your marriage – hello, in-laws! – and Christmas can easily become a recipe for holiday stress. If you’d rather skip couple fights over the fruitcake, you will definitely want to try some of these helpful tips on how to stop holiday money fights and avoid that ho-ho-help me feeling this year.

3 Solutions to Stop Holiday Money Fights:

1.  Make a Plan as a Couple

Most people don’t love surprises. At least not surprises about money (unless we’re talking about winning the lottery). Take some time to talk with your spouse about managing holiday stress, starting with how much money you will spend on each person in your lives. You don’t necessarily have to go into details about what you will get everyone you know, or account for every penny, but you do need to sketch out this aspect of your holiday finances in at least broad strokes.

The main point of this exercise is to make some decisions on your budget for each relative and friend. This way, you can calculate the total amount that will go on gifts and figure out how much the two of you will have left for travel, entertainment, ear-end donations, party hosting, dining out, and so forth. Not knowing these amounts may seem fun and impulsive, but is actually a huge source of holiday stress.

A holiday budget is kind of pointless if both of you don’t actually commit to sticking to it. For example, it is SO easy to get off course when buying gifts for your kids. I think parents enjoy some of the toys as much as the kids do. But you won’t enjoy January’s credit card bills if you don’t agree on some spending limits first.

You don’t have to give your spouse any hints of what you may be thinking of buying for them, but you do have to agree on the maximum amount you want to spend on one another. If he finds a great deal and spends less – good on him – OR he can hit up another website for other options. But make a plan. And stick to it.

That will come naturally to some and be like swallowing a hanger for others, but your finances (and your spouse) will thank you.

2.  Stop Holiday Fights Before They Escalate

During the holiday season, couple fights over money are like wildfires: it only takes one spark to ignite a conflagration. Even if you plan your holiday finances in advance, misunderstandings can still crop up somehow. Stop these before they get out of hand!

We like to use the phrase “stop, drop, and roll” as a reminder of how to handle conflict, same as the old elementary school hook the firefighters used to tell us. We want to put the fights out before they escalate and someone (metaphorically) has to go to the hospital.

The basic idea here is that person in the relationship must STOP themselves right in the middle of the argument, DROP the issue, and ROLL respectfully right out of the room. This accomplishes two things: first, it diffuses the argument, and second, it gives you both an opportunity to think about it a bit. Once you both have some space and the topic has had room to breathe, you can come back together and work towards a compromise.

Holiday finances can really leave a relationship in the lurch come January - plan them in advance.

This simple technique actually works wonders. Next time you feel your blood pressure going up, remember to think in terms of managing holiday stress instead of “winning”:

Stop. Zip your lip.

Drop the topic.

And roll (maybe not literally) out of the room.

You can address it later. Let the emotions (and blood pressure) calm down.

We’re not encouraging you to ignore disagreements or stuff your feelings, but timing is everything. Bring it up later. First, ask when is a good time to discuss it. Then circle back around when their defenses aren’t up.

3.  Be Aware of Each Other’s Stress Levels

Timing is everything. This time of year is full of extra expectations, expenses, and demands on our time and temper. Tread lightly or at least wisely. It is the kind thing to do. All that’s really required is respect for your spouse’s stress level. Don’t ruin your holiday for him or her just by being unobservant or insensitive. Choosing the right time to discuss your spending or even spending missteps is critical.

If you can, set to one side the common complaints, the big issues, that won’t get settled in the next few weeks anyway. Make a plan to discuss and adjust your shared finances sometime in the New Year. It’s a good idea to set aside a certain time when you both are feeling rested and relaxed for discussing your money issues – we call this the Money Huddle.

During the holiday season, people simply tend to be more sensitive. There are many potential reasons for this. Whether one person splurges too much or the other person is a real Saver and has a hard time with spending money even on necessities, the emotions just get tenser and more highly strung. So: be aware of it! Awareness helps you to just tone it down a bit and be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings.

The reason for the holiday season is to bring our families together, to be thankful, to have joy, and to give to one another. So even if it’s not your natural bent to spend and give, it’s once a year go ahead and enjoy it! But, if you are like Taylor and LOVE to spend money, relax, pull it back, you don’t have to buy everything.

Don’t let one more holiday shopping season come and go without implementing these three powerful tips to avoiding money fights! Not only will your spouse appreciate it, but you will both enjoy a more peaceful Christmas!

Merry Christmas, friends!

Taylor & Megan Kovar

The Money Couple

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