Why do Couples Fight? 3 Fundamental Reasons for Fights in Marriage

We’ve all run into problems in our relationships. When you’re going through a rough patch with your partner, it can be hard to see the reasons why your relationship isn’t working. Luckily, we have a list of common problems you can do something about today to start getting your relationship back on track.

Is one of these 3 reasons why your relationship isn’t working:

Problem #1: It’s all about you.

It’s easy to get defensive in the middle of a fight or when your responsibilities expand. Even newlyweds don’t stay new too long. Life tends to get real, real quick.

As life gets trickier, it’s easy to focus on your own needs at the expense of your partner’s.

It’s important to remember though when confronted with a problem, it’s a problem now for both of you. And you both need to take part in the solution.

Start by trying to out-give each other. We often focus on our own contributions to the relationship over our partner’s and take them for granted. So if you feel like you’re contributing 50% to the relationship, you’re actually contributing less. Marriage isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100.

Dream up something that would please your partner. If you’re unsure what to do, try doing an act of service for them that they usually take care of, like taking out the garbage. Taking some small thing off their plate for a day can work wonders for showing you care. If they love gifts, find a little something to surprise them on the seat of their car tomorrow morning. Nothing extravagant just something to show you care.

According to Pastor Preston in Scottsdale, you can take things further by asking your partner how you can support them every 7 days in these 6 areas:

1. Spiritually
2. Emotionally
3. Physically
4. Relationally
5. Financially
6. Professionally

For instance, Pastor Preston asks his family to support him emotionally by asking each of his kids to hug him and say, “I love you daddy” once a week.

You’ll find small actions like this can work wonders in supporting your partner across these key areas.

Problem #2: You aren’t listening

Of course, it’s hard to love and care for your spouse if you aren’t listening to your partner. Technology is great, but can often exacerbate this problem with distracting screens.

Try making a conscious effort to set aside times and places to talk with your family free of the distractions of cell phones and television.

Dinnertime a great place to talk with each other face to face, and a good place to set the expectation that dinnertime is a cell phone-free zone. The other day, I actually tried to answer a phone call at dinner, and my son corrected me and told me “Dad, what’s with the cell phone?”! Busted. And glad he respects that rule. I will too.

Psych Central reminds us, there is a wide variety of personal reasons we may not be listening, especially when things are rough. Self-deception, defensiveness, and a need to be a victim are all part of the 10 psychological reasons you may not want to listen according to this great article.

Keep in mind, hearing the person isn’t the same as listening. Husbands can often fall into the “Yes, dear” trap when trying (and failing) to listen.

Other poor listening tactics include interrupting the speaker when you think you know what they’re going to say. Remember, If you already knew what your partner really wants to say, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. That might be one of the reasons why your relationship isn’t working.

Proper listening is equal parts truly hearing what the other person has to say AND making them feel heard. Make sure when your partner is talking to you about something serious, you show them the respect they deserve.

Problem #3: You don’t embrace your differences.

Opposites attract, but differences often clash. It’s very common for couples to have some differences that can lead to fights. Finding ways to celebrate those differences instead of clashing over them is key to long-term relationship success.

These differences often clash explosively when mixed with money. We’ve talked before about how the 5 Money Personalities can easily get into conflict over everyday purchases if couples don’t know how to work together. It’s no wonder money is the #1 reason for divorce.

Understanding your Money Personality is critical to navigating these money fights and celebrating the uniqueness in each other. Find out your and your partner’s money personality with our FREE scientific & confidential assessment. Click HERE to discover yours TODAY!

If you keep in mind these 3 reasons why your relationship isn’t working, you can turn a struggling relationship into a smooth sailing one in no time.

As always,

Taylor & Megan Kovar

The Money Couple