We’ve worked with so many wonderful couples over the years, and one of the most rewarding parts of what we do is hearing excitement about their Money Personalities. It is such a joy to hear how knowing and embracing them is helping resolve issues and struggles in their marriages. Get a load of this…we were out to eat with our kids, and 3 different couples, who attended our Magnificent Marriage conference, came up to our table (we never mind these kind of dinner interruptions). We learned some fascinating things as we chatted with them.
The first gentleman told us that he was a Flyer and his wife was a Saver. The second woman excitedly shared her Primary Money Personality, and the third couple was thrilled to tell us that learning about their Money Personalities had helped them fix some longstanding money fights. It was so much fun to talk to everyone and see how excited they were about knowing their Money Personalities and understanding how they impact their lives and relationships.
But there was one thing that stood out during all those conversations – nobody could remember their Secondary Money Personality! That’s not good!
Why is that? You see, your Secondary Money Personality is every bit as important as your Primary Money Personality, and it can have just as much impact on your behavior and your relationships.
I’m a primary example of a condition we call the Opposite Dynamic. If you are dealing with the Opposite Dynamic, it means that you have conflict within yourself because you have Primary and Secondary Money Personalities that are at odds with each other. I’m a Primary Spender and a Secondary Security Seeker. That means that I love to spend money and get all excited about buying cool stuff, then I’m immediately swamped by a wave of worry and regret. “How much did we spend? Is that too much? Did I really need that?” Buyer’s remorse – the hallmark of the Opposite Dynamic!
My contradictory Primary and Secondary Money Personalities cause all this internal conflict. I could never understand that cycle of spending followed by regret and worry until I finally understood BOTH of my Money Personalities. Once I discovered the traits of Spenders versus the traits of a Security Seeker, it all made sense! Sure, I want to spend money, but my Secondary Security Seeker Money Personality needs to be reassured that we were sticking to a plan, not spending unnecessarily, and making sure we had enough money for everything we needed.
It was such an ah, ha! Now that my Opposite Dynamic inner conflict makes sense to me, it allows me to break out of that cycle and relax a little bit. I know what both of my Money Personalities need, so I’m able to honor and respect those needs and avoid that inner turmoil.
Knowing and understanding both your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities isn’t just good for you personally, it’s great for your relationships! Bethany and I are both Primary Spenders. Since we have the same Primary Money Personality, we don’t have any conflict, right? Haha!! That is definitely not the case! We might share that Primary Spender trait of loving to spend money and buy gifts, but our Secondary Money Personalities couldn’t be more different. My Secondary Security Seeker is terrified by Bethany’s Secondary Risk Taker. No plan? Trying something totally new and untested?? Yikes!
Our money fights stem from conflict between our Secondary Money Personalities, but if we didn’t know what our Secondary Money Personalities are, we’d never be able to pinpoint why we are fighting! That’s true for so many couples. Even if you share the same Primary Money Personality, if you’ve got a volatile combination of Secondary Money Personalities, you’re not going to see money eye-to-eye, so you are going to have money disagreements. If you pair a Spender with a Saver, a Saver with a Risk Taker, or a Risk Taker with a Security Seeker, it’s going to be impossible to avoid the occasional conflict. And if you’ve got 4 completely different Money Personalities at play, you’re going to face PLENTY of conflict!
The key to managing those money fights is knowing, understanding, and respecting all 4 of your Money Personalities. Bethany uses a term that I love. She talks about “compromise with purpose”, and I think that’s fantastic. She means that knowing who you both are and understanding those Money Personalities that you were born with helps you reach compromises that are truly satisfying to both of you.
Understanding both your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities is so important and a relationship changer. And knowing the dynamics of all 4 Money Personalities at play in your relationship can help to eliminate so much stress. If you haven’t already, go ahead and grab a copy of your Money Personality Report. This report really is the foundation for not only knowing but understanding how to make your Money Personality Combination work FOR you, not against you…even if your Primary & Secondary are opposite!