Fights About Money Don’t Always Come Down to Dollars and Cents

What if we told you that, when you and your spouse clash about money, you’re not actually fighting about income, spending, savings, or debt? What?? You could think we’ve completely lost our marbles, right? Let’s not be too hasty: we promise that we’re still completely (mostly?) sane, and if you stick with us, this will all make sense. But first, we want to tell you a story.

When Money and Marriage Collide

This story comes from the Gottman Institute and Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman is a clinical psychologist and researcher who has devoted over 40 years to studying marital stability and divorce prediction. He’s done some amazing research about couples and money, and if you have time to read the whole thing, we highly recommend it. Today, we want to share a story about an experiment where Dr. Gottman asked a group of 8-year-olds to give advice to a couple that was fighting about money.

Dr. Gottman explained that the husband didn’t want to save money. He wanted to spend it, and enjoy it, and live for today. He’d had a wealthy uncle that never wanted to spend a dime, and spent his whole life holed up in his one-room condo, never enjoying the money he’d worked so hard for. The husband was determined to enjoy his life and not end up like his Uncle Jack.

The wife, on the other hand, had a very different take. She had grown up very poor with parents who were never able to save money for emergencies or put anything away for the future. As her parents got older, they didn’t have the resources they needed to care for themselves. The wife was determined not to meet the same fate, so she wanted to save every penny and never wanted to spend money unnecessarily.

Dr. Gottman asked the children what advice they had for this couple. One child immediately suggested that they should save some money and enjoy the rest. Compromise – what great advice! This led Dr. Gottman to draw two conclusions. First, it’s crazy for couples to struggle so much with disagreements about money when the answer – compromise – is so easy that an 8-year-old gets it! We totally agree with this, but we think Dr. Gottman missed the mark on his second conclusion. He said that out of all the forces that determine our relationship with money, the most influential is our personal history. The melting pot of our childhood, teenage, and adult experiences sculpt our thoughts about money.

Wrong! Sorry, Dr. Gottman, but we have to disagree with you there.

Different Money Personalities, Not Actual Money Problems, Are What Lead to Conflict

Sure, it can seem like your approach to money (and marriage, for that matter) comes from your past experiences. You might have spending habits that are just like your parents’, but we don’t think that you are just repeating what you learned as a child. We believe that your Money Personality is in your DNA. You are born with your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities already in place.

So, if your spending patterns are just like your dad’s, the two of you probably have similar Money Personalities. Conversely, if your spending habits are the complete opposite of your parents’, it’s not because you’re trying to be rebellious. You’re simply being true to the Money Personality you were born with!

That’s why we say that your fights with your spouse about money aren’t really about money.

They’re about something so much deeper – Money Personalities that don’t agree with each other. Maybe your Saver/Security Seeker Money Personality tells you that your Spender/Risk Taker spouse is completely wrong in the way they spend without a care for tomorrow. That’s definitely going to lead to some big, blow-out fights about money! But if you can understand your spouse’s Money Personality, you’ll begin to see that their ideas about money aren’t wrong, just different. That’s the first step toward the respect, understanding, and compromise that strengthens your marriage.

The next step is to learn to speak each other’s language. This isn’t just for couples – this works for the whole family. When everyone feels that their needs are being recognized and listened to, it’s so much easier to create that compromise.

That’s why it’s so important to know your kids’ Money Personalities as well as yours and your spouse’s. We have Money Personality Assessments that you can do with your kids, and we promise you will be amazed at how different they are! Our kids proved how different their Money Personalities are every Halloween. When you’re a kid, candy is currency. Kix, our first born, would be very methodical in his eating approach. He would eat it, but slowly – to make sure he had enough for tomorrow. (Saver/Spender) Kambry, our oldest daughter, is a Spender/Risk Taker, (Wonder where she gets that from?) she would immediately start brokering trades for the candy she liked best. It’s in their DNA.

Whether it’s candy when you’re little or money when you’re grown, you have to live with the Money Personality you’re born with. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t understand and respect different Money Personalities. Take it from a wise 8-year-old, the key is a compromise!

Avoiding Money Problems Through Better Communication

“I love starting the day with a coffee from Starbucks! So what if it’s $6?”

“Why spend all that money when we can just brew it at home?”

Have you and your spouse ever had an argument like this? You’ve probably chalked it up as just another unavoidable money fight, but that might not be the case. Like we said, money problems often aren’t about money.

Things like figuring out how to pay off your mortgage are different from day-to-day money talks. Success with one doesn’t translate to the other, so you need to keep your perspective and separate the small stuff from the big deals. Even before that, though, you both need to commit to being honest about your finances. In the example above, the two spouses don’t agree on one’s caffeination habits but they’re at least discussing them. Hiding expenses from your significant other, even when they’re minor, is called financial infidelity and can only lead to huge money and marriage problems down the line.

So, honesty and a sense of proportion are important, but won’t stop your fights about money all by themselves. Why? Because everyone views money differently. Little inconsistencies in how you view spending, saving, budgeting, and impulse purchases first show up as little arguments, gradually building up into a nagging source of worry that can end up doing real damage to your relationship.

That’s why we rolled up our sleeves and did the research to identify the 5 Money Personalities in the first place. What makes sense for your financial plan as a carefree, unmarried individual might not make sense for your combined Money Personalities and finances.Once you realize that your money fights aren’t just about money, though, learning to compromise isn’t actually that hard.

How Spouses with Different Money Personalities Can Get Along Better

Let’s be clear: real life isn’t Hollywood. You’re going to run into differences of opinion when it comes to both money and marriage. Disagreements are inevitable, but letting these turn into fights about money is up to the two of you. Here are three ways to avoid habitual arguments about money problems:

1.    Seek to Understand the Other Point of View

The first thing you need to do is learn to understand your partner better. What does money mean to them? You two will be teamed up for a long time so invest the time NOW to better understand what makes them tick.

It seems simple, but you’ll be amazed at how effective just asking questions can be. One couple we worked with had huge problems with the wife going over her husband’s proposed budget. Nothing seemed to work until we had him ask his wife what amount of extra money each month would satisfy her need for freedom. Her husband was shocked when she replied with a simple “$100”. It was an instant victory. After adding that little cushion, she never went over budget again, avoiding countless unnecessary money fights.

To some of us, money needs to be carefully planned and managed, to others, that security means nothing if you aren’t free to spend it a little haphazardly from time to time. If you don’t know your partner’s preferences and money personalities, these conflicting goals can be a recipe for disaster.

2.    Respect and Accept

When couples learn about each other’s Money Personalities, they’re often tempted to try and change each other. Or judge their partner’s natural bent.

They might try to “control the other’s spending” or “teach them to live a little” in an effort to get rid of the problem by ignoring part of what makes their partner unique. They begin to feel like you’re saying the money problem isn’t about money, it’s about them as a person.

What these couples don’t realize is that Money Personalities can’t be changed. It’s in your DNA. Your partner is going to be hardwired that way for the rest of their life.

This is a good thing, though. Each of the 5 Money Personalities brings an important strength to the equation. We all could learn something from all 5 Personalities.

Respect and accept your partner’s different traits. That actually STRENGTHENS your relationship once you learn to accept them and learn from your differences. You wouldn’t be mad at your spouse for being short or tall. This is very similar.

3.    Speak Their Language

Once you both have this information, you can set about making sure that when you talk about money, the other person’s needs are being met as well.

For example, try using the word “plan” or “planning” when talking to a Security Seeker, or try adding a “freedom spending account” to your Spender’s budget. If you’re married to a Flyer, they won’t care as much about the dollars and cents as the memories that cash helps your family create. Be sensitive and speak their language.

Once you both understand that money problems usually aren’t only about money and embrace these 3 principles, your relationship is going to blossom.

Final Thoughts

One more exciting thing before we go: if you haven’t already, get the whole family to take our 5 Money Personality Assessments! Trust us, it is a GAME CHANGER once you can understand exactly why your family is the way that they are when it comes to money. Grab the kiddos and head on over to our Kids Korner!

While you’re at it, make sure your spouse has taken the 5 Money Personality Assessment as well! You won’t regret it. Of course, financial planning pretty much comes down to math in the end, but our individual views, priorities, and goals are what shape the results we’re looking for. When you’re married, you need to get on the same page about these, or no amount of love and understanding is going to be enough to avoid fights about money.

We also love feedback, so feel free to email us at [email protected] and let us know how the assessment has changed your family’s perspective on the money!

As always,

Taylor & Megan