Finances in a Relationship: Don’t Ignore These Signs of Financial (in)Compatibility

Everyone has been in a relationship where we don’t really know if they’re all that into it, or us. If you’re just having fun or getting to know people, financial red flags aren’t that big a deal. These are almost certainly worth thinking about when you don’t know where you stand and you ask yourself whether combining your money in marriage may be in your shared future. Your future partner’s attitudes to money – like politics and football – aren’t something you need to grill them on during your first date, though.

This gradually stops being the case as the relationship grows and develops. If you’re getting frustrated, confused, and sick of wondering where the two of you stand, money is a great way to figure it out; an indicator of sorts. This is because money impacts all of our lives; even if it’s not the most important thing in the world, nobody can ignore it. It’s not that hard to detect future relationship and money problems if you watch for these tell-tale signs about your connection by observing how they use and talk about money.

Once you’ve been together for months, how finances in a relationship should work can start to be a tricky subject that one (or both) of you would rather avoid. However, if you don’t establish common ground over money or check your financial compatibility, you may be setting yourself up for some serious relationship problems down the road.

Pay attention to money red flags. Don’t wait until you’re married

When things are still casual, finances, marriage, and the serious disagreements you might end up having aren’t always natural topics of conversation. This means it’s easy to overlook those little signs that shared money (and marriage generally) aren’t on the cards for you two. Whether you understand the importance of finances in a relationship from having been married before, or are dating seriously for the first time, don’t give in to the temptation to avoid talking about money.

A better approach is to lay your cards on the table and talk about money as a couple, as soon as you can do so with respect and understanding. If nothing else, you reduce your chance of divorce considerably if you are open about topics like your approaches to debt and savings from the start. There’s absolutely no doubt that, when there are disagreements about finances, marriages tend to fall apart. Money is the #1 cause of divorce in America. We’ll make the point again: aside from while casual dating, there’s little to no room in a relationship for money lies, including remaining silent when you should speak up.

Here are three financial red flags that say “He’s just not that into you. If you aren’t on the same page about finances, marriage may not be the best idea in the world.”

Couples don’t have to be completely identical in their spending habits to be successful. The happiness of a financially compatible relationship starts with good communication, and it starts early. Be on the lookout. These are the traits to look for in a partner for long-term success in both money and marriage:

1. Dishonesty About Money

Honesty plays a huge role in a relationship, and money is no exception. Dishonesty is fairly black and white. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not honest about spending on the little things, like tipping at the restaurant, then they are not always going to be forthcoming when it comes to the big money decisions, like buying a house together. This could lead to major issues that can ruin your finances and marriage once you’ve tied the knot.

Really, any kind of lie is a red flag. Maybe you found three candy bars in the shopping bag and you know they only paid for two and yet they say: “Oh, it doesn’t matter.” These kinds of money lies add up. Maybe, later, they tell you they don’t have any credit card debt; after all, it’s not really your business until you combine your finances. Then, you see a statement on their kitchen table showing a huge balance.

Or, perhaps, they borrow money from you and don’t repay it. This is a big one. Many people just let it slide because they think, “well maybe he/she doesn’t have the money to pay me back.” Well, maybe that is the case, but in a relationship, you want open and honest communication. If they aren’t willing to talk about a loan that they promised to pay back, what other promises are going to be broken? A person tells you who they are by their actions – believe them the first time!

We call this kind of thing “Money Infidelity.” If they are willing to lie about money in the small stuff, then let us tell you: they will lie about the big stuff later.

2. Unrealistic About Money, Or Obsessed with It

There is a big difference between talking about a budget and obsessing over every penny. We define obsession over money as basing every little decision around money, and constantly nagging you about spending too much.

The truth is, though, that almost every couple has one person who worries more about debt, spending, saving for retirement, and every other topic related to finances. Marriage is about compromise, as we’ve all heard. Before you can compromise effectively, though, you need to understand that every person has a money personality. We’ll talk about this in just a little while – for now, let’s just agree that one person being constantly preoccupied with finances over the truly important things in life means that your money and marriage are going to have an uncomfortable balance.

The main reason for this is that obsession over money is closely linked to control over money. If your partner worries to the point of wanting total control over the budget, that’s a huge red flag. A trait to look for in a future team-mate-for-life is an honest and realistic approach to finances: don’t spend every month’s paycheck as if it grows on trees, but don’t let it affect your and your partner’s enjoyment of life either.

3. A Lack of Compassion, Understanding, and Respect

Compassion is so key in a relationship. That is no different when talking about money. Compassion and acceptance of your different points of view are very important. If you are discussing a savings plan, opening a joint bank account, or splitting rent, both opinions should be heard. As we mentioned, everyone has a primary and secondary Money Personality, and those Money Personalities can clash. This is not necessarily a bad thing – you can come to a healthy compromise over money, even if you don’t always see eye to eye – but you must have compassion and respect for one another. This starts with understanding how different Money Personalities think about finances.

Let’s see how this works in our relationship, as an example. I (Taylor) am a Spender/Risk Taker – my Money Personalities function comfortably with the assumption, “Oh, it will all work out.” Megan, on the other hand, is a Saver/Security Seeker. Both her Saver and Security Seeker thoughts pop into her head and wonder… “What’s going to happen long-term? I hope we are on the same wavelength about our future!”

Of course, now we see it so clearly because we understand our differences and we have systems to work through it but imagine our marriage if we didn’t.

I know I would be constantly nagging Megan about being such a “stick in the mud”. And Megan would be begging me to, “Stop already with the crazy adventure ideas!” If we spent our days trying to change each other and couldn’t accept the other for who they are, we would be heading down a very miserable path. As it is, we are so grateful to live most days discussing, compromising, and collaborating about our money instead of fighting about it.

If you can’t inject these elements – compassion, understanding, and respect – into your conversations about finances in a relationship, open communication is going to suffer and money lies are going to start cropping up. If your partner is tight-lipped about money, this can typically mean tight lips about other things too. We like to look at couple finances as a kind of laboratory: if they never talk about it or don’t want you to talk about it, there is something that they are hiding and they don’t want you to get too close. On the reverse side of that – when they do open up about money that is a sure sign that says, “I’m ready to go to the next level with you.”

Prenup – Should We or Shouldn’t We?

Even without any of the three red flags above, the number one cause for divorce is a miscommunication about money. In most cases, it is better to “get it all on the table” versus waiting until it is too late. Some couples wonder, “Are we setting ourselves up for divorce by having a prenup?”

The simple answer is, “No.” There are some very practical reasons to have a prenup in place. Marriage is a special kind of romantic relationship, but it’s also a legal contract. A prenup is just an addition to that contract to make sure that both people will be treated fairly – and to ensure that disagreements about the big financial stuff are gotten out of the way before you tie the knot.

Here are some points to keep in mind when having a positive prenup conversation:

1.  Set a Positive Tone

It is important to keep the discussion positive. With this type of conversation, it is easy to become defensive. You can open the conversation like this: “I would never want money to come between us and ruin our relationship. Why don’t we explore some reasons to have a prenup. Let’s talk about the positive and negative aspects.”

2.  Write It Out

Be sure to write out the positive and negative aspects of having a prenup. Make sure each person gets an opportunity to add their thoughts to the list.

3.  Avoid Stress

Once you have agreed upon a prenup take these important steps:

• Be prepared – set your prenup up a number of months before the wedding – wedding planning can be stressful, be sure to have this done and out of the way.
• List all of your assets and liabilities – this can be a relationship saver because there will be no financial surprises.
• Set it up to strengthen the relationship – start your relationship outright, clear financial communication is key to making sure your love stays strong.

Remember, no two relationships are the same. Decide what is the best decision FOR YOU and move forward together.

Final Thoughts

We know how it goes. Oftentimes, you don’t even want to talk about finances with your partner during the engagement. You’re totally stressed out and don’t want them to run away. But, having that conversation before the “I Dos” is exactly what will keep you on the same page when you’re married. Money and engagement talks are a MUST.

Keep your eyes wide open and talk about money when dating. It may feel tough, but managing money as a couple is a part of everyday life. It will be far more “awkward” if you spend your marriage fighting or disagreeing on your financial future than it will be discussing it now with your date. Get on the same page now for a bright love and money future together.

Now it’s your turn… Did you talk about money before you were married? Have you or are you dating someone who has lied about money? Are you seeing one of these three money signs in your relationship? Send us a comment… We’d love to hear from you!

The Money Couple

Taylor & Megan Kovar

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